Depending on where you are in your life, your sexual goals and priorities may be more about finding someone to have sex with, than how to have better sex. But those who have a regular sexual partner (or more than one) often eventually turn to the question of how to have better sex. You can tell that this is a common question in part by the dizzying array of books, videos, and workshops that promise to give you better sex for $19.95.
The problem with most promises of better sex is that they ignore a fundamental aspect of sexual experience; that it’s individual and subjective and it’s social. Better sex for your neighbor may be nothing like better sex for you. In fact, the person you’re having sex with may think better sex is something very different from what you imagine better sex to be.
So before you buy another book, watch another video, or take another class, you need to start with what might seem like a not very sexy question: What does better sex mean to you?
It’s a big question, so here are a few specifics to think about:
- Does better sex mean doing sexual things that you aren’t doing now? Things you have never done?
- Is it the sex that you want to change, or yourself? Your own feelings or orientation toward sex?
- Does better sex mean more sex? Is frequency alone a factor?
- Does it mean more partners? A different partner?
- Do you want better sex because you want to make a good thing better, a bad thing good, both?
- Why do you want better sex in the first place?
These are questions worth asking even if you think there’s nothing you can do about it.
If you’re in a monogamous relationship you might think there’s no point in wondering about other partners. But there’s a big difference between thought and action, and for your own sexual (and mental) health, consider giving yourself permission to at least think about all your options.
If you are in a relationship it’s unlikely you can make any changes to your sex life without talking to your partner and getting them on board.
To do that you need to make sure you both want a change, and your both willing to explore different kinds of change.
Of course the most enduring sexual relationship any of us have is with ourselves, and you can explore and experiment with different kinds of sex on your own anytime. If better sex for you is really about a change in attitude or focus, this is something you can do on your own, consciously changing the way you masturbate but also what you’re thinking about while you masturbate. Better sex has to start with you, both metaphorically and literally.
I don’t believe there’s any packaged way to guarantee better sex. The best you can do is get other people’s ideas of sex, think about them for yourself, and experiment. To that end, here are a few resources on About.com that may be helpful in getting you thinking about and exploring better sex.